Ever wish a restaurant were a little more this and a little less that? Sorry to say, the perfect, fits-everyone eatery doesn’t exist.
Diners can dream, though. Inspired by what pops up on my weekly online dining discussion, during which I address dozens of rants and raves from food fans across the country, I compiled a list of 10 tweaks that restaurants might deploy to enhance customers’ meals away from home — and indeed, get closer to the fantasy place to break bread.
Most ideas wouldn’t cost much, if anything. Any would offer incentive for consumers and (let’s be honest) make good copy for people who are paid to eat and scribble. Herewith, some motions for chefs and owners to mull:
Establish quiet hours (or even days). I’m forever encouraging diners in search of peace to dine on the early side of lunch or dinner. Recently it dawned on me. Why couldn’t a restaurant relegate its first 90 minutes or so to “no music” and “library voices, please?” (Bachelor parties need not apply. Think quiet car on Amtrak.) The potential market is huge. The Hearing Loss Association of America estimates 48 million Americans have some degree of hearing loss. One of the worst offenders in recent memory: the second floor of Petite Cerise, where my party read lips through an 85-decibel dinner — the equivalent of eating to the accompaniment of a garbage disposal. Bon appetit, kids!
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Offer medium plates. Small plates aren’t everyone’s bag, and some main courses seem to be designed for ranch hands and linebackers. A boon to light appetites and those who don’t like leftovers (they exist!), medium plates have been done before, and Spain even has a word to describe the size: “media racion,” or half portion.
Institute family time. Just as some diners crave peace and quiet, others want to get a nice meal with their young charges — a.k.a. the real deciders when it comes to answering “what’s for dinner?” To sweeten the pot, establishments might offer a separate, affordable, family-style menu. Restaurants need to remember: today’s kids are tomorrow’s reservation makers.
Expand meatless options. A plate of pasta sans meat doesn’t cut it anymore, nor do a bunch of vegetable side dishes posing as an entree. Chefs at mainstream restaurants need to be more creative when it comes to vegetarian choices. And two (or more) is always better than one. Even dedicated carnivores like a change of pace. See: Meatless Monday, etc.
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Introduce phone hours. Remember when you used to be able to call a business and a live voice responded? Ancient history, I know. Some places don’t even bother to list phone numbers anymore. How nice it would be for restaurants to offer dedicated times — even an hour or two — during which patrons could get answers to questions that might not be addressed on the establishments’ websites: Do you offer corkage? Are children welcome? Any stairs we should know about?
Portion with common sense. If you want to get a party of diners worked up, send them a shared dish with unequal bites on it — say, three fritters when there are two or four at the table. The polite move is to split things equally, but have you ever tried that with, among other ingredients, a scallop? “Serving odd numbers is actually something that was (is?) taught in culinary school,” Matt Adler, chef-owner of Caruso’s Grocery in Washington and Rockville, wrote in an email. “The idea being that odd numbers are aesthetically pleasing.” The miniature cannoli at his restaurants come three to an order; when there are four diners, the chef instructs servers to offer an extra pastry for a few dollars more.
Finesse pacing. My current pet peeve? Entrees arriving on the heels of appetizers, sometimes forcing diners to gobble their first courses to make way for mains on tables that are invariably crowded with glasses, flowers and votives. (In response to such backups, I’ve occasionally sent food back until I’m finished with the unfinished business before me.) Servers need to think like air traffic controllers. Incoming traffic requires clear runways.
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Make tipping transparent. Rewarding good service in the United States has never been more confusing. Restaurants that add service (or other) fees need to spell out what they mean, online, on the check and verbally. (A recent bill at a D.C. hot spot included an “admin fee,” prompting some head scratching when I reexamined my receipt in the light of day.) Diners hate having to do math after a meal. And they really dislike it when they’ve tipped double because they weren’t reminded that the gratuity is included.
Accept outdoor reservations. The pandemic may be slipping into history for a lot of people, but some diners are still trying to avoid crowded situations and prefer patios or sidewalks to dining rooms. Fair is fair, though. For their part, customers need to acknowledge the authority Mother Nature maintains in alfresco situations. Yes, restaurants can offer seats in the great outdoors, but diners can’t get upset if real life — rain, hail, major wind — intervenes and their desired perches are recalled.
Offer free valet parking, a postcard view, low-salt vegan options, live music, babysitting services and a complete list of ingredients for every dish. I jest. Like I said, there’s no restaurant that can fulfill every diner’s request. But adding even one or two of the aforementioned amenities would go a long way to making a lot of us happier — and likely repeat — customers.
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